Brain dump

Please pardon the extreme personal nature of this post...I kind of just need to get some things out of my overactive head. 

It's been a rough day, my emotions are like a roller coaster of doubt, helplessness, general sadness, and the most self defeating emotion...self-pity.  I'm having a rough go of it with the rehabilitation portion of this healing process.  I need to start with the difficult work of trying to walk again...mainly this means lots of painful stretching and trying to bear weight on my foot/leg.  I can literally hear the TIC-TOC of the time passing, it will be six weeks on Wednesday...I have only seen the ocean maybe twice in that time...that right there is sad. 

The mental part of dealing with this situation has been so much harder than I realized it would be...During the course of the day there are moments when I feel so incredibly weak of spirit, like I cannot possibly get through this, and that I simply am not strong enough to deal with all of it.  I realize all of this is absolutely NOT true, I know somewhere deep, deep down inside that these are just the voices of fear, and emotional exhaustion.

Eventually these ridiculous defeating feelings pass and I busy myself with some household task for a few moments until my leg gets to sore and I have to sit for while.  Today's task was cleaning out the fridge and organizing the turkey day leftovers.  Picture this...I've made it to the kitchen on crutches, and once there I scoot a chair in front of the open refrigerator door, take a seat and begin!  I probably sat there for a good 20 minutes, a lovely mind-distracting 20 minutes where I did not think about my pain, or anything really...just a great zone out cleaning activity! 

Note to self: hold it together, distract yourself, and do a little bit at a time.

See the thing is, I know all this stuff, it just seems to be that I forget for a little while and let in the negative.

Second note to self: don't forget the stuff you already know...it's really just a waste of time.

I already feel better...As I type this I'm listening to Jill Scott.   Perhaps it is not coincidence that I put her on when i sat down to write this.  Her music is infused with so much woman power, soul sister positivity, and general kick ass-ness!!!!!  One of my favorites songs of hers is One is the Magic Number ...Basically another reminder that this whole thing is up to me, "there's just me" as in her song.  I really need to dig deep, find that place or that stuff inside me that is the real me, the strong and brave and happy woman that I was before all this happened.  I know she's in there...I miss her.

Third note to self: typing all this out, getting it out of my head and really taking the time to think it over, always ends up making me feel better, more positive, and ready to take a deep breath and begin again. 

Fourth note to self: Again, as in #2, don't forget the stuff you already know...like that listening to some good music and writing a bit is a good thing.

Alright, I believe it's time for some tea now...I have a favorite that we get in Chinatown, it's a blend of relaxing herbs, good to calm my emotional state and help with the sleeping, Jo and I have dubbed it "calm yourself woman tea".  I think I'll have a double.


With a clear head and determination...

It has been 31 days since I've been here, since I've been in the studio, since i have felt like myself...These days have been filled with pain meds that clouded my entire being, making me feel anything but whole.  I have come through the worst and am feeling human again today.  The body is an amazing machine...while my mind had been so many places, dark and self-defeating places, my body continues to heal.  Where I'm at now is that I have a clear head, A LOT less pain, and a burning desire to get back to creating!!!!!! 

I long for hours in the studio, focused on bringing life to sheets of metal and a pile of stones...I have so many ideas, so many half scribbled notes of ideas that I have thought about in the haze of these past few weeks!  Yesterday I actually was able to sit at my bench and clean up the mess I left sitting there a month ago before any of this happened...I cannot put into words how happy it made me to be in that space again, to touch my tools, to sort beads and scraps of metal.  In the next week I hope to spend a little time in there each day, doing whatever I can, and gleaning a bit of healing from the simple acts of using my hands to create...It's a bit like meditation, I have said this before and now more than ever I need this type of release.  To give my mind a break from all the topics and categories of thoughts racing around. 

I never thought I would miss working so much...I have thoughts of my clients all the time, wondering how they are doing, missing those connections and relationships.  Are they happy with the therapist they've been seeing since I've been gone?  How is so and so's neck, or Mr. X's back pain...Massage is such a personal experience and so many of my clients would come to see me twice a week.  After months of that much contact with someone you can't help but connect with them...I miss doing massage, providing my clients with a bit of relaxation and relief from their stresses, or injuries.  I know I need to give it time, and that eventually (hopefully soon, depending on how the physical therapy goes) I will be back to work and loving it!

Each day is one more day closer to being back to normal, each shot of searing hot nerve pain is a sign that things are healing, every single awful moment of this experience must have been for a reason...Jo keeps telling me that this will teach me something in the end, that everyone goes through trauma, and if we are lucky enough to be open to it, that we can come through it with open eyes and lessons learned.  I'm trying to figure out what my lesson is...

For one thing, I can tell you I'm ready to get back in the water, I miss the ocean so much...The other day I finally got out of the house and Jo took me for a drive, we went to Diamond Head Beach look out and parked at the top of the hill, overlooking her favorite surf spot...As we drove up Diamond Head road (the place that is my favorite walking/jogging route), and I caught sight of the ocean, I lost it...Tears streaming down my face as I took in the beauty of the ocean, the beach, and this amazing place I call home.  It wasn't a sad outpouring, I was so happy to see the water!  Blubbering like a baby, I thanked Jo for taking me out of the house, for bringing me to see the ocean, and for being such an amazing lady! 

So, things are looking up...I vow to stay positive, to smile more, to believe that in time I will be back in action, walking, jogging, massaging, working in the studio, and someday maybe even surfing again...

Please pardon the lack of pictures...I don't even know where the camera is, and believe me you don't want to see any of what I've been up to anyway.  It's been kind of boring around here, but I feel a bit of inspiration coming on...Studio time and pictures from the land of Aloha are on the way!

Thanks for listening,