Brain dump

Please pardon the extreme personal nature of this post...I kind of just need to get some things out of my overactive head. 

It's been a rough day, my emotions are like a roller coaster of doubt, helplessness, general sadness, and the most self defeating emotion...self-pity.  I'm having a rough go of it with the rehabilitation portion of this healing process.  I need to start with the difficult work of trying to walk again...mainly this means lots of painful stretching and trying to bear weight on my foot/leg.  I can literally hear the TIC-TOC of the time passing, it will be six weeks on Wednesday...I have only seen the ocean maybe twice in that time...that right there is sad. 

The mental part of dealing with this situation has been so much harder than I realized it would be...During the course of the day there are moments when I feel so incredibly weak of spirit, like I cannot possibly get through this, and that I simply am not strong enough to deal with all of it.  I realize all of this is absolutely NOT true, I know somewhere deep, deep down inside that these are just the voices of fear, and emotional exhaustion.

Eventually these ridiculous defeating feelings pass and I busy myself with some household task for a few moments until my leg gets to sore and I have to sit for while.  Today's task was cleaning out the fridge and organizing the turkey day leftovers.  Picture this...I've made it to the kitchen on crutches, and once there I scoot a chair in front of the open refrigerator door, take a seat and begin!  I probably sat there for a good 20 minutes, a lovely mind-distracting 20 minutes where I did not think about my pain, or anything really...just a great zone out cleaning activity! 

Note to self: hold it together, distract yourself, and do a little bit at a time.

See the thing is, I know all this stuff, it just seems to be that I forget for a little while and let in the negative.

Second note to self: don't forget the stuff you already know...it's really just a waste of time.

I already feel better...As I type this I'm listening to Jill Scott.   Perhaps it is not coincidence that I put her on when i sat down to write this.  Her music is infused with so much woman power, soul sister positivity, and general kick ass-ness!!!!!  One of my favorites songs of hers is One is the Magic Number ...Basically another reminder that this whole thing is up to me, "there's just me" as in her song.  I really need to dig deep, find that place or that stuff inside me that is the real me, the strong and brave and happy woman that I was before all this happened.  I know she's in there...I miss her.

Third note to self: typing all this out, getting it out of my head and really taking the time to think it over, always ends up making me feel better, more positive, and ready to take a deep breath and begin again. 

Fourth note to self: Again, as in #2, don't forget the stuff you already know...like that listening to some good music and writing a bit is a good thing.

Alright, I believe it's time for some tea now...I have a favorite that we get in Chinatown, it's a blend of relaxing herbs, good to calm my emotional state and help with the sleeping, Jo and I have dubbed it "calm yourself woman tea".  I think I'll have a double.


  1. Sierra, I am here to buoy you up. I am sorry you are having a rough time and I hope it ends soon. I have trouble with this sort of thing too. I have to tell myself that it is about the journey and not the destination. And what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. From the time it has taken you to heal, you must have really janked your leg up. Damn girl! Get well soon!

  2. Thanks for the love sister!!!! Today I woke up with determination to be positve, so far so good! Your encouragemsnt and support means so much...damn I'm so lucky to have "met" you and all my other sisters out there in blogger-land. Sending you mucho Aloha, and many thanks for stopping by!