With a clear head and determination...

It has been 31 days since I've been here, since I've been in the studio, since i have felt like myself...These days have been filled with pain meds that clouded my entire being, making me feel anything but whole.  I have come through the worst and am feeling human again today.  The body is an amazing machine...while my mind had been so many places, dark and self-defeating places, my body continues to heal.  Where I'm at now is that I have a clear head, A LOT less pain, and a burning desire to get back to creating!!!!!! 

I long for hours in the studio, focused on bringing life to sheets of metal and a pile of stones...I have so many ideas, so many half scribbled notes of ideas that I have thought about in the haze of these past few weeks!  Yesterday I actually was able to sit at my bench and clean up the mess I left sitting there a month ago before any of this happened...I cannot put into words how happy it made me to be in that space again, to touch my tools, to sort beads and scraps of metal.  In the next week I hope to spend a little time in there each day, doing whatever I can, and gleaning a bit of healing from the simple acts of using my hands to create...It's a bit like meditation, I have said this before and now more than ever I need this type of release.  To give my mind a break from all the topics and categories of thoughts racing around. 

I never thought I would miss working so much...I have thoughts of my clients all the time, wondering how they are doing, missing those connections and relationships.  Are they happy with the therapist they've been seeing since I've been gone?  How is so and so's neck, or Mr. X's back pain...Massage is such a personal experience and so many of my clients would come to see me twice a week.  After months of that much contact with someone you can't help but connect with them...I miss doing massage, providing my clients with a bit of relaxation and relief from their stresses, or injuries.  I know I need to give it time, and that eventually (hopefully soon, depending on how the physical therapy goes) I will be back to work and loving it!

Each day is one more day closer to being back to normal, each shot of searing hot nerve pain is a sign that things are healing, every single awful moment of this experience must have been for a reason...Jo keeps telling me that this will teach me something in the end, that everyone goes through trauma, and if we are lucky enough to be open to it, that we can come through it with open eyes and lessons learned.  I'm trying to figure out what my lesson is...

For one thing, I can tell you I'm ready to get back in the water, I miss the ocean so much...The other day I finally got out of the house and Jo took me for a drive, we went to Diamond Head Beach look out and parked at the top of the hill, overlooking her favorite surf spot...As we drove up Diamond Head road (the place that is my favorite walking/jogging route), and I caught sight of the ocean, I lost it...Tears streaming down my face as I took in the beauty of the ocean, the beach, and this amazing place I call home.  It wasn't a sad outpouring, I was so happy to see the water!  Blubbering like a baby, I thanked Jo for taking me out of the house, for bringing me to see the ocean, and for being such an amazing lady! 

So, things are looking up...I vow to stay positive, to smile more, to believe that in time I will be back in action, walking, jogging, massaging, working in the studio, and someday maybe even surfing again...

Please pardon the lack of pictures...I don't even know where the camera is, and believe me you don't want to see any of what I've been up to anyway.  It's been kind of boring around here, but I feel a bit of inspiration coming on...Studio time and pictures from the land of Aloha are on the way!

Thanks for listening,


  1. YEAH! High five, fist bump, and hug!

  2. Oh girl. It's just good to see your words, to hear you are on the mend, to know that in the midst of ALL, you can still connect with the beauty of the earth.

    Hang in there, HEAL in there.
    Here in your court,
    - K

  3. of course nature is bringing you back, of course ~ the best medicine, always!

    i am right there with Jo. there will be a lesson, a reason, an answer, a change . . .

    several years ago i broke my arm (roller skating - HA!). after sitting in the e.r. for nearly 8 hours waiting to have my cast put on, the room in a mere instant became ablaze with movement. nurses were gasping, crying. doctors were shouting out orders, rubbing their eyes and wiping their foreheads. of course, i had no idea what was going on, but i sensed it was big.

    i suppose because i had been there so long, and would not be getting my cast applied any time soon, an intern came to me, and spoke to me in quiet confidence. what he told me was this: "a twenty year old woman has fallen beneath a trolly car, and had been trapped there for quite some time. she is going to lose both of her legs. we are stabilizing her, and awaiting her parents' arrival from southern california before we can perform the delicate, and forever life-changing surgery. she will be needing every doctor available in the e.r. for the moment. we apologize, but you'll have to wait a little bit longer . . . "

    in that moment, i shrank back against the wall, slid the length of myself down it, and kneeled into the corner on the floor. i gave thanks for my broken, now bruised and swollen arm, right then and there! how lucky was i?!! and i WAS.

    the entire three months of wearing various lengths of casts on my arm and later my wrist, i never once complained! in fact, i went right back to work, waiting tables, in a full length arm cast the next day. you know the kind i mean. that 'L' shaped thing that reaches all the way up into your arm pit and rubs the skin raw. i clumsily carried plates by resting them against my hip, and it worked. naturally customers (and friends) would ask questions, offer condolences, and attempt to feel sorry for me. i would quickly stop them, and tell them this, "no, please don't pity me. i appreciate it, and i know it is well intentioned, but i was roller skating (ROLLER SKATING)! i was having FUN, and I WILL be able to skate again!!!"

    this was my lesson. since that day, whenever anything awful happens to me, i am reminded that somewhere, another is going through something much worse. though it may not change the bothersome situation i find myself in, it reminds me to see it from a different angle, and with a more open mind. when i remember this, by remembering HER, i am always able to adjust my attitude, and overcome.

    how i wish i could thank that girl. i think and speak of her so often, and of how profoundly she changed me, changed the way i think, react, and live. i pray that she found an answer in her own story, and is living her life with more purpose than she could have ever imagined, just as there will be a light and a reason for you, too . . .


    ps. and i am not saying that you should not feel sorry for yourself, because you surely deserve to. and just because somewhere some unknown person has it worse than you do, doesn't mean it has to lesson your pain. i know, i know. THIS was just my lesson mine.


  4. Dearest sisters of the bloggy universe...I can't tell you how much your words have warmed my heart. Having you in my corner, knowing that you have taken a moment to think of me and to send your love is such a blessing. I am amazed at the love, frienship and sisterhood that has come from this digital space, Thank you doesn't even begin to cover it...

    Laurie, this story is amazing...I also have been reminded of how lucky I am, how much worse it could have been, how so may others have such a larger struggle on their hands. Like you said about your arm, that you were out having fun rollerskating, I feel the same way. I was out doing something I love, something that is FUN...Perspective is a major part of this process. Realizing how hard the recovery is but also being aware that others have it much worse, and that I was lucky enough to come out of this as I did...And that thank god I didn't loose my leg!!!

    Many mahalos, lots of love, and a big ALOHA to you fine ladies!

  5. Sweetie! I have been away from the blog world for a while as well and I just read what happened!!

    I am so relieved to hear that you are getting better. You'll be back creating wonderful treasures for lovely ladies before you know it.

    Sending tons of big warm hugs your way!
    love ~tess