Today, I feel so acutely the memories of my past in Seattle. I can smell them, and feel them in my chest, my fingers are buzzing with sense memories...
Yesterday was hot and sunny, I drank iced americanos, walked the bright and sunny streets of my old neighborhoods, and fantasized (with apprehension) what it would be like to live here again. I love the idea of being back here, in the place where my very soul is connected to the trees, the old buildings, the smell of morning...Yet I know that the chapter of my life that continues to be written in Hawaii is far from over. How can I simultaneously love both places with all my being? Part of my heartfelt love affair with the pacific Northwest over the past few weeks has been largely nostalgic, I realize that now. Though I have been away for almost five years, and my life in paradise has been fuller and more positive than it ever was in many ways, than my time in Seattle, I can't help but feel a pull deep in the pit of my stomach. Driving around the city, and back from Portland yesterday I felt so connected to the ground, like physically connected, as in the palpable feeling of gravity upon my body. These are the trees, the people, the air, the flowers, the city of my soul. A connection that I think will never be broken, even if I never live here again. I am shocked at the physicality of my emotional reactions, I tear up just driving down the street, seeing some of my favorite things from my past...Though I feel I should clarify these tears are not necessarily of sadness, but of connectedness. It is a powerful feeling deep in my chest that seems to remind me of how I am connected the people an places of my past, and how no matter how far in distance or time, I will always have it. Maybe that's what I feared most about being gone from here, that I would somehow loose it, that my love of a place that will remain in my heart forever would diminish, and that loss would mean I am not longer a part of it, and it of me...So, I suppose I am getting some kind of soul closure, a way for my mind and heart to work out the details of what all this means deep down in my heart and soul. Whatever this process is, it feels warm, fuzzy, and also heavy, sad, and very important.
Today, as I sit at a favorite coffee spot, people watching, messing around on my "new to me" macbook, the sky opened up with claps of thunder, dime sized raindrops and lightning...Maybe Seattle wanted to remind me that she is not always so sunny and gorgeous as the past week, though as I sit here watching it I remember that this is also part of what I love about it here. The heavy, cool moist air, is so much a part of my memories and nostalgia of this place. I have to admit my heart skipped a beat with happiness when it started raining, it has a smell and a energy that just doesn't exist in Hawaii, (mostly I'm happy about that, I was glad to leave the gray behind). As I look out the window and see the reality of the beauty of this place, I am thankful for the chilly raindrops that will wet my skin as I walk back to the car. They will be just as awesome as the memories of sunny blue skies that I've had up to now, actually they complete the picture.
And I am grateful
And I am full
And I am lucky
And I am renewed