Brain dump

Please pardon the extreme personal nature of this post...I kind of just need to get some things out of my overactive head. 

It's been a rough day, my emotions are like a roller coaster of doubt, helplessness, general sadness, and the most self defeating emotion...self-pity.  I'm having a rough go of it with the rehabilitation portion of this healing process.  I need to start with the difficult work of trying to walk again...mainly this means lots of painful stretching and trying to bear weight on my foot/leg.  I can literally hear the TIC-TOC of the time passing, it will be six weeks on Wednesday...I have only seen the ocean maybe twice in that time...that right there is sad. 

The mental part of dealing with this situation has been so much harder than I realized it would be...During the course of the day there are moments when I feel so incredibly weak of spirit, like I cannot possibly get through this, and that I simply am not strong enough to deal with all of it.  I realize all of this is absolutely NOT true, I know somewhere deep, deep down inside that these are just the voices of fear, and emotional exhaustion.

Eventually these ridiculous defeating feelings pass and I busy myself with some household task for a few moments until my leg gets to sore and I have to sit for while.  Today's task was cleaning out the fridge and organizing the turkey day leftovers.  Picture this...I've made it to the kitchen on crutches, and once there I scoot a chair in front of the open refrigerator door, take a seat and begin!  I probably sat there for a good 20 minutes, a lovely mind-distracting 20 minutes where I did not think about my pain, or anything really...just a great zone out cleaning activity! 

Note to self: hold it together, distract yourself, and do a little bit at a time.

See the thing is, I know all this stuff, it just seems to be that I forget for a little while and let in the negative.

Second note to self: don't forget the stuff you already know...it's really just a waste of time.

I already feel better...As I type this I'm listening to Jill Scott.   Perhaps it is not coincidence that I put her on when i sat down to write this.  Her music is infused with so much woman power, soul sister positivity, and general kick ass-ness!!!!!  One of my favorites songs of hers is One is the Magic Number ...Basically another reminder that this whole thing is up to me, "there's just me" as in her song.  I really need to dig deep, find that place or that stuff inside me that is the real me, the strong and brave and happy woman that I was before all this happened.  I know she's in there...I miss her.

Third note to self: typing all this out, getting it out of my head and really taking the time to think it over, always ends up making me feel better, more positive, and ready to take a deep breath and begin again. 

Fourth note to self: Again, as in #2, don't forget the stuff you already know...like that listening to some good music and writing a bit is a good thing.

Alright, I believe it's time for some tea now...I have a favorite that we get in Chinatown, it's a blend of relaxing herbs, good to calm my emotional state and help with the sleeping, Jo and I have dubbed it "calm yourself woman tea".  I think I'll have a double.

With a clear head and determination...

It has been 31 days since I've been here, since I've been in the studio, since i have felt like myself...These days have been filled with pain meds that clouded my entire being, making me feel anything but whole.  I have come through the worst and am feeling human again today.  The body is an amazing machine...while my mind had been so many places, dark and self-defeating places, my body continues to heal.  Where I'm at now is that I have a clear head, A LOT less pain, and a burning desire to get back to creating!!!!!! 

I long for hours in the studio, focused on bringing life to sheets of metal and a pile of stones...I have so many ideas, so many half scribbled notes of ideas that I have thought about in the haze of these past few weeks!  Yesterday I actually was able to sit at my bench and clean up the mess I left sitting there a month ago before any of this happened...I cannot put into words how happy it made me to be in that space again, to touch my tools, to sort beads and scraps of metal.  In the next week I hope to spend a little time in there each day, doing whatever I can, and gleaning a bit of healing from the simple acts of using my hands to create...It's a bit like meditation, I have said this before and now more than ever I need this type of release.  To give my mind a break from all the topics and categories of thoughts racing around. 

I never thought I would miss working so much...I have thoughts of my clients all the time, wondering how they are doing, missing those connections and relationships.  Are they happy with the therapist they've been seeing since I've been gone?  How is so and so's neck, or Mr. X's back pain...Massage is such a personal experience and so many of my clients would come to see me twice a week.  After months of that much contact with someone you can't help but connect with them...I miss doing massage, providing my clients with a bit of relaxation and relief from their stresses, or injuries.  I know I need to give it time, and that eventually (hopefully soon, depending on how the physical therapy goes) I will be back to work and loving it!

Each day is one more day closer to being back to normal, each shot of searing hot nerve pain is a sign that things are healing, every single awful moment of this experience must have been for a reason...Jo keeps telling me that this will teach me something in the end, that everyone goes through trauma, and if we are lucky enough to be open to it, that we can come through it with open eyes and lessons learned.  I'm trying to figure out what my lesson is...

For one thing, I can tell you I'm ready to get back in the water, I miss the ocean so much...The other day I finally got out of the house and Jo took me for a drive, we went to Diamond Head Beach look out and parked at the top of the hill, overlooking her favorite surf spot...As we drove up Diamond Head road (the place that is my favorite walking/jogging route), and I caught sight of the ocean, I lost it...Tears streaming down my face as I took in the beauty of the ocean, the beach, and this amazing place I call home.  It wasn't a sad outpouring, I was so happy to see the water!  Blubbering like a baby, I thanked Jo for taking me out of the house, for bringing me to see the ocean, and for being such an amazing lady! 

So, things are looking up...I vow to stay positive, to smile more, to believe that in time I will be back in action, walking, jogging, massaging, working in the studio, and someday maybe even surfing again...

Please pardon the lack of pictures...I don't even know where the camera is, and believe me you don't want to see any of what I've been up to anyway.  It's been kind of boring around here, but I feel a bit of inspiration coming on...Studio time and pictures from the land of Aloha are on the way!

Thanks for listening,
Sierra

A surf adventure story an a few firsts

Yesterday I set out with Jo and a friend of ours for a lovely morning surf session, as I mentioned before I'm trying to get back on the surf train, push myself to do things that are not always easy, and to try and snag a bit of that "stoke" that my lady always gets from being out there in the waves. All was well and I caught a few waves, the sun was shining, I had a huge smile on my face and then it happened...collision! Its all a blur now, but the consensus is that someone came from behind me as I was catching the wave and barreled right over me. I felt a pain in my leg, I saw a bit of blood and knew I had to get my butt onto the shore...I really had no intention of being shark bait. With help from Jo I got back on my board and made it back to shore. Long story short, I had a few major firsts...first oxygen mask, first IV, first ambulance ride, first trip to the ER and first stitches, 27 of them to be exact!!!

After six hours in the ER we made it back home...Loopy, exhausted and thankful to still HAVE my leg. Aside from the pain from the HUGE gash in my upper hamstring I have the craziest pins and needles feeling all over my leg as well as a few spots that have remained totally numb due to nerve damage. I dont know how it can be that an area can be totally numb to the touch but can itch like, well... A bitch!!! The pain is better already, thanks to some of the pills they gave me, and all in all I'd have to say I'm feeling pretty good! I can't put any weigh on my leg and will be at home for at least a week :(

Jo is my nursing angel and has kept me laughing through some of the more difficult moments, for instance changing the dressing and assisting with everything from bathroom stuff to simply changing positions. I feel so grateful to have her with me, I just hope she's ok to! I never saw the wound, the blood trailing behind me in the water. We were joking around this morning that she has PTSD, but the more I think about our day yesterday, I realize the amount of stress she has been through too.

The ER was buzzing with powerful, amazing, women energy...Every single person from the admissions, attending doc, nurses, social worker were women. They were calm, beautiful souls working their butts off! I felt so safe and taken care of...Woman power in the ER was in full effect!!!!

Ok, I feel like I'm rambling now, maybe that pill is starting to work :)
I had been on a very productive streak in the studio lately and have been really excited as I finished up a fee pieces for what is/was to be my first local craft/art market. I can't even think of being at the bench right now let alone setting up for a craft show. I hope to be able to participate in the show next week, but for now I just need to rest and try not to stress out about the bill from the hospital!

So now you know why I may be absent from here a bit in the near future...Our computer is on the fritz and all I've got to work with is this iPhone, I kind of go crazy after a while with it. I've read every book in the house and some of them more than once... This may require me
to request a magazine and book care package from mom:)

Alright, time for a banana, a pill and a nap! Check ya later !!!

One more ring...

In keeping with the turquoise love and theme I seem to be working in lately, I finished another turquoise ring!!! This one is more "classic" in color, the deep blue-greens with beautiful veins of dark earthyness running throughout...I am a woman obsessed, I just can't seem to keep my hands from picking out these stones to work with.  I'm just going to roll with it and follow what my hands tell me to do!

And then there are these:

These earrings have been sitting on my dresser, in the lip of my favorite mug on a table in the living room, and in and out of my ears for a few weeks!  I was so loving wearing them that I made myself a pair for keeps...Now that I have some of my own I'm offering these up in the shop!

Lastly, I'm putting up the White Buffalo Turquoise ring for sale in the shop...I feel she is ready to find her new home...I hope some lucky lady out there claims her for their own, and will love her as much as I do!

I just finished listing this group of goodies in the shop ...there they will rest until their new owners make their claim! 

I'm so happy it's friday, all I can do is day dream about the weekend studio time and the millions of ideas running through my head.  Sending all of you fabulous ladies out there mucho love and Aloha, many thanks for your sisterhood, your support, your kind words, and your love...I feel it so deeply this week, my heart is warmed.

Wednesdays Offering...

I've clocked about 20 hours in the studio in the past three days...I know, it's a lot and let me tell you my shoulder and fingers can feel it!!!  I've been trying to think outside my normal box, playing with shapes, colors and continuing my little personal class in perfecting my bezel setting skills.  Not easy people, not easy...Lessons learned so far today have been on the topics of patience with my skills, a need to take my time, and above all...make stuff, and practice!

I have a new love...Her name is White Buffalo Turquoise, I had a very successful time with her in the studio today.  Gratitude to the stone setting spirits, and to the artist who cut this cab, I will definitely be back for more of this goodess!

This one is not quite ready to leave my finger and make the jump into the Etsy shop, I may need to wear her a few days and fill her up with a little extra spirit of Aloha!

These next few earrings just made their way in to the shop, and will be joined by a few others in the next few days.

Sterling, Coral, Faceted Olive Green Glass

Sterling Textured Domes and Mango Chalcedony

Hammer Textured Tabs with Coral Stack Dangles

I Heart Texture...can you tell? :)

Happy Wednesday evening to all, I'm off to put my feet up and grab a brewski!
Aloha!

Works in Progress

I am currently taking a break from the studio, a few hours with the pliers and heavy gauge wire have resulted in a hand cramp...After all I do need to save some of my dexterity for this afternoons massage clients!!!

I'm making bezels for some newly acquired stones, shaping hoops and irregularly ovoid links for something that's brewing in the back of my mind...not sure what it will be yet but that's part of the fun!  Over the weekend I cleared out some space in the workshop, did some general re-organizing and cleaning...It feel so nice to walk into the studio now, it's all spruced up and ready for work!  Next up will be transplanting some pots and getting some plants in there to give the space a bit more life!

Ok, off to finish up and get ready for the other "work day"!  Happy Aloha Friday...

Yesterday...

...all my troubles seemed so far away

A short list of reflections on the day:

I stepped outside my comfort zone
Conquered at least two fears
There was a lightness of heart and soul
Bonding with my lovely lady friend
I smiled bigger and with more genuine happiness than usual
Watched the sunset turn the water pink and they sky orange from far off shore
I realized that sometimes I need to leave my brain on the beach and take my soul out for an adventure
I felt strong, safe, adventurous, and beautiful in the light of the sunset

For some time now I have let thoughts of " I can't, I'm scared, I'm too this or that" creep into my head to the point where I have believed these lies I tell myself...LAME!  All it takes on one step to cross the line of fear and self consciousness to make major progress...in this case all it took was a step into the water, paddle board under one arm and paddle in the other.  With love and encouragement from the best friend, soul-sister and partner a woman could ask for, I crossed over into the land of "I did, I will, I can, I RULE!!!!!!!

It may not seem like a very big deal but for me it was...We took our rented paddle boards and headed out past the break for an afternoon paddle.  This was my first attempt to be out in the waves, (or bumps and swells as the case was yesterday) on a stand up paddle board.  We have rented them many times before but I had only taken them in the shallow still protected waters of the lagoon.  I always thought I couldn't do it out in the open water, that I wasn't fit enough, that I was too "big", that I was not strong enough to navigate the current, the waves, the deeper water...well guess what?  That was a big 'ol lie I was telling myself, one that I believed for far too long.  Fueled by self-doubt and self consciousness...I cast OUT these un-truths I've been fueling in my head and realized that not only CAN I, but I'm damn good out there too!  The biggest payoff is seeing my lady on her board next to me, smiling for me and cheering me on!  We rafted up, sat down on the boards and peacefully watched the sunset from out past the swell...SUCH an amazing feeling!

With sore shoulders and tight calves I blissfully await my next adventure out there...my change jar has officially been re-named "SUP savings" and I cannot wait to make this a regular activity!  Why do I do this mind game stuff with myself, it doesn't get me anywhere, it holds me back from doing things I want to try, it makes me feel not quite good enough, and that my friends is not a soul-lightening experience...Going forward I intend to change my patterns.  I CAN do whatever the heck I want, I am strong, beautiful, brave, adventurous, and above all...IT'S ALL IN MY HEAD!!! (which by the way is Jo's favorite thing to tell me when I get all self-doubty and sad)...She was right all along, and now I believe her!

Thanks for listening to my digital diary for today...this one just had to get out of my head and onto the screen.  Not for you or for anyone else, but for ME!!!

The clouds have been extra dreamy around these parts lately...I find myself zoning out and just staring at them, taking in their fluffy shapes against the bluest of skies. 

In keeping with the spirit of these light poofs of white in the sky, I crafted a necklace that is just as light and airy in feeling.  Cool, translucent, ethereal...Prehenite, a new favorite of mine evokes the same feeling as the clouds I've been seeing.  Cool against your heart as it sits around your neck...I set the stone simply on a square base plate to accentuate it's gorgeous circular shape.  There's something quite satisfying in it's simplicity...

I am in love...I need to find more of this gorgeous specimen of earth, I love the colors, the inclusions, the shiny and clear quality of prehenite.  Shopping for stones is after all one of the many things I love about creating jewelry.  Each one is it's own little work of art, created by the earth and then formed by another artists hands before it gets to mine!

Also fresh off the bench...A double spinner ring.  Wide band, heavily textured, slightly flared and with two hammer textured spinners.  I've been fidgeting with mine ever since I put it on my finger...It makes the most delightful little tinkling noises as I go about my business, it's like a mini tambourine banging out the beat while I'm driving along and rockin' out to my favorite tunes in the car! 

 

Both of these creations will be making their way to the la tienda (the shop) hopefully by the end of the evening!

Ok, now on to those clouds I was speaking of earlier!

We're off to a swanky hotel to meet some out-of towners for overpriced but totally worth it delicious cocktails...I love it when people come to visit and we get to splurge!

Happy Tuesday!

Vintage chartreuse faceted matte glass beads

Vintage chartreuse faceted matte glass beads and faceted salmon pink Jade

Vintage coral branches

Lemony limey Jade in the most fabulous shiny shades of summer

Earrings a-plenty...and one necklace!

Hoops, dangles, and my favorite beads...The coral branches are antique, at least 60 years old and given to me by my friend Chris...They belonged to his grandmother who passed away last year at the age of 101!!! They had been in her collection so long that nobody remembers how long she'd had them, I've been hoarding them and am slowly starting to use them in my designs, though mindfully and methodically...They are so special to me because of their history and family connection, I want to treasure them as long as I can. 

The other favorites are the chartreuse faceted glass beads, these are vintage as well and have a fabulous smooth and matte finish!  I cannot get enough of this color, ( I even painted our dresser a similar shade). 

These babies are all making their way to the SHOP this evening! 

It's been raining on and off here all day, with the rains comes a sweeping out of humid, stagnant energy and the breezing in of refreshment and clean, crisp energy...Which by the way is just what I need!  Time to focus on clearing out of old patterns and stale thoughts, and a move toward clarity, open minded focus on the NOW and appreciation for change...We could learn a lot from the shifts in weather, how they can mirror our own internal temperatures and give us a reminder to go with the flow.  So flow on sisters...let it rain down, let it wash over you, let it blow you in a new direction!

Aloha...